Misery

Misery (AKA: relieve yourself on your friends): “Misery loves company”! True statement. When a person is in a place of misery, they often want as many people to validate their frustration and depression as possible. If we can get people to hear us, sympathize with us, and maybe even commiserate with us, it somehow makes our misery more bearable! While we exist entirely independently of others, we want them to chime in on our existence. We desire others to experience life with us so that it somehow seems less unbearable. 

There are support groups for everything, every problem, every addiction, every sickness, these groups exist as means of gaining strength. Part of what makes them popular is the opportunity people are granted to dump their emotional baggage, but the true effectiveness of a support group is the strengthening that results.  At work, myself and the other salesmen get together and talk through deals gone south, or the market, or the customer base. We lay our frustrations on the table, and can commiserate with one another’s problems. It’s called “the huddle”, and the specific purpose of it is to offload our misery, stomp and snort a little, and then get back to work. While it can be cathartic, it is more often counter-productive. I, personally, look for validation and approval for my misery, but in the process leave my team feeling weighed down by my frustrations.  

Though vastly independent, and almost entirely self sufficient, we are made to be with other people. “I Am Legend” is a story about the last man on earth, survivor of a zombie apocalypse. He has at his disposal, anything he could possibly want, but he is missing the one thing that matters, human companionship. There is a scene where he is in a movie store talking to mannequins, hungry for human conversation. The movie “Cast Away” with Tom Hanks has a similar scene, in his hunger for human companionship he was left talking to a Wilson volleyball with a bloody hand print! To what lengths do we go to connect with other humans? 

If we look at our relationships and see an avenue to offload our misery in an effort to feel better, then maybe we have missed the point! While we are kindred spirits in adversity, it is not adversity that binds us together. In fact, misery is not a welcome guest at any table; “Better is a meal of vegetables where love is than the fattened calf served up with hatred!” Proverbs 15:17. 

Adversity is always trumped by love.  While we all share in the “human condition”, probably the most pertinent element of it is love. Our need for love is what binds us together making companionship a requirement, not that we dump our misery on others with the hopes of reprieve, but that we strengthen one another so that we can bear up under it! Dumping our misery, while offering a momentary relief, only serves to open up a void for new misery. Learning to stand strong in the face of misery gives us the ability to overcome it once and for all! This is why we must surround ourselves with people who build us up, and also why we must not be a people who relieve ourselves of our misery on our friends! (don’t relieve yourself on your friends)!

A New World View

Probably the most pertinent lesson of the last four years has been the realization that the world is not as I thought it was! Coming straight out of Bible College into ministry provided me with every opportunity to learn how to be a charity case. Low income, fledgling family, new ministry, and a lot of people who wanted to "help-out" made it easy for me to feed an entitled attitude. I saw the world through the lens of neediness, and was fed every time I faced difficulty. There was always someone with a cheque in hand willing to help out, always a bonus, or a side job or a hand-out. Yet as good and generous as it was of those people to help out, it was the worst thing possible for my world view. I became entitled! I felt that I deserved the world handed to me on a silver platter. 

Just after my wife and I were married, we moved into a town home that belonged to one of the members of our church. The rent was minimal, and the condo was much more than we needed. When we came in to look at the home, the giving church member asked what we thought. What we thought? Really? He was giving us a place for minimal rent, waiving the security deposit, and allowing us to move in whenever we were ready! When he asked us what we thought, the answer should quite simply have been, "it's perfect!" but instead we proceeded to tell him that it was too dark, and that he needed to change the linoleum in the kitchen and dining room, and to re-carpet the living room. Not only that, but we would not move in unless he put a fresh coat of paint on the walls, and lowered the rent from a whopping $350 month down to $300...as if we were doing him a favour! Really? If I could step back in time and smack my entitled-little-jerk-self in the back of the head I would!  

For years I expected people to carry me, to pay my bills when things were tight, to fill my tank when it was empty, to provide me with benefits and retirement plans. I expected that my church would take care of me, and give me incremental raises that would gradually inch my income to match the inflated market. I would have bills outstanding, skip payments, and borrow money with the intention paying it back, someday, maybe (unless, of course, they forgot). 

Then the real world kicked me swiftly in the face! It has been a baptism by fire, a crucible, and probably the best education I have ever received. Commission sales has placed me squarely in charge of my own income. My performance determines my success. For the first time, I can expect nothing from anyone and the "no-excuses, no whining" policy of this demanding job has made this fact abundantly clear.  I am entirely on my own.  

This career path was sold to me with a great-big picture; A huge future with limitless potential; a massive income; I would be given advancement, benefits, and a demo vehicle to drive; Maybe even one day a dealership all my own. It was a magnificent, metaphorical, carrot that was dangled before my face chiding me on, pushing me forward, motivating me. However, I soon realized that the carrot was not going to be handed to me so, like a spoiled brat, I began to balk at the "lie" of the big-picture. I whined, and cried about the industry, how it was off-balance and unfair. I believed that I deserved to be given the big picture now. Really, I all but told my brother, friend and boss that he needed to change the floors, add more light, and lower my rent. Talk about missing the point! 

That is the truth! I do not deserve it, not yet anyway. If I was boss over my entitled younger-self I would not let him take responsibility for anything because I know my younger self could not even take responsibility for himself. Yet here I am, almost twenty years later, doing exactly the same thing! In fact, I do not have to reach back in time very far to smack myself upside the head. Thank you life... Lesson well taught!

2015 Life Lessons:

1. I deserve what I earn, not what I want! If what I think I deserve is more than what I am getting, then it is my responsibility to step up and earn more!
2. When life is difficult, it is my responsibility to face the adversity head-on, to own it, and to fight through it! Adversity is essential for teaching perseverance, and perseverance is essential for growth. "You have to hurt and break and rebuild and repeat! It's life, and it makes us who we need to be!" -Unknown
3. Today I will win or I will learn...either way I will be victorious!

Rolland J. Bouchard